500 Words for 31 Days
Day One
I like to call myself a writer. Mostly, I feel like I used to be a writer. Mostly, I feel like I don't have the heart any more, the talent, the creativity. Today is the beginning of a new commitment. I joined a little writing challenge to write 500 words for the next 31 days. I made the decision to do it here, even though I have no real plans to publish this anywhere or tell anyone it exists. Still, it feels braver and more real to do it here than just in a private document. If you happened upon this, you are welcome. Not real sure if there will be a theme- but you never know.
I thought, what if I make the commitment to be completely transparent here. Share my real feelings, real thought, real ugly some days? What if I then used that help me truly become the woman I want to be. The woman many people say I am. The woman I don't feel like inside anymore.
Is it depression that has me feeling so disjointed? I stopped taking my Cymbalta a couple of weeks ago because it makes me sweat so heavily and I hate that feeling too. I will start something new tonight when my husband brings home me new meds. So, no worries that I will be off the deep end. A friend made that choice a week ago. So incredibly sad to see the damage that does to the ones left behind. I nearly made that choice years back- 1998. Jesus stepped in and saved my life. I wish that could have happened for my friend. It didn't.
Is it a disconnect from God that leads to this feeling? Probably. I need to dig in deeper and spend real time with Him. I believe Jesus is my Lord and Savior. I believe the Bible is God's written Word. These beliefs are solid. My sense of belonging at my current church is a bit sketchy. Capital Campaign time. Big bucks- 4.5 million dollars for a major expansion. I don't like it. I FEEL like it is too much, too big, too rich, too fancy. We are not taught to trust our feelings though. We are to find God's will. My feelings tell me I know His thoughts, but then my feelings -and maybe my wisdom- tell me it is not MY job to determine the future of our church. That belongs to my pastor. What if he's caught up so deep in his own desire that he doesn't see clearly? Then it is probably the job of the board to see that- not me. Still, I can't shake it. I spoke out my feelings to two friends yesterday and then was called out for being wrong, divisive, sinful. Need to process that too. I have a big hurt. An offense. It is building deep inside and I need to deal with it. I know for sure that carrying an offense and letting it fester is NOT the way my God wants me to live. We will dig into that truth tomorrow.
Coming on this journey with me? Feel free to comment. Know one thing, though. You certainly don't have to agree with anything I say, ever. You do however, have to be polite and kind. Fair? Good. Not fair? Sorry- my blog. Them's the rules! See you tomorrow.
Coming on this journey with me? Feel free to comment. Know one thing, though. You certainly don't have to agree with anything I say, ever. You do however, have to be polite and kind. Fair? Good. Not fair? Sorry- my blog. Them's the rules! See you tomorrow.
